BORN IN HEAVEN

"Your wings were ready...but my heart was not."



Today was another tough day...
I woke up feeling like something was missing and my left hand automatically went to my belly.
It suddenly hit me...
you're not here anymore.

Another wave of panic hit me and I couldn't breath.
I was hyperventilating and tears started nonstop falling.
Just like ever since I woke up and knew you weren't here anymore.

My mind is still having trouble wrapping itself around the fact that you're gone.

I never knew I would feel such pain by losing someone.
It's a new kind of pain that I know I would never forget.

I'm not even sure which pain is worse...
the shock of what happend or the ache for what never will.

Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep or how much coffee I drink or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up...

Your brothers have been running around, playing catch and suddenly I imagine you, coming from the corner and running after them.
I break down in front of your Daddy and just start crying.

Daddy has been trying to cheer me up but I know deep down he is broken too.
I know Daddy misses how I would wake him up at night because you won't let me sleep and he has to stay awake with me.

Now he stays awake because I keep crying at night.

---

Daddy went out today to do some errands and when he came back he brought you and me a little gift.
(Flowers by Jardin de Fleurs)

Daddy said this Roses can live up to 3 years.
He has been meaning to buy them for quite awhile now since he saw it on Instagram, but he never found the time to actually buy them.
Daddy was waiting till Mother's Day to get Mommy a big one but he thought this is way better for the both of us.
He doesn't want for you to be forgotten, that's why Daddy said he will keep buying them for you.
We love you so much.

We're the lucky ones who knew you, who still loves you and will always love you, whose life will forever be divided into a before and after because of you.

If there was any other way, we would have done everything for you to be with us...

You know, when I would see stuffs on the news or on social media, I would shut it off because it was just to painful to think, but I would always ask "How do they wake up every day? Like, how do they...how do they live and breath? But you do wake up. And for just a second, you forget. And then it hits you. And just like that, it will call again and again, every single time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent even though you don't have that one child anymore.

I'm sorry.
Mommy wasn't strong enough to save you.

Even though you never arrived in my arms...
You will never leave from my heart.

---

For the dearest People who are standing beside me and enduring my pain...
Thank you.

But this grief is a walk I have to do alone.
I know you all will always be there, and listen.
But I will walk alone down my own path, at my own pace, with my own sheared-off pain, my raw wounds, my denial, anger and bitter loss. 

I will come to my own peace, hopefully...but it will be on my own, in my own time.

Until I'm ready...
let me be.

I have to heal myself.